sh1nob1defender

When he engages full-blown ninja combat mode, Shinobi Defender often refers to himself in the third person. Much like Dr. Doom, but without the armor and funky fresh cape.

I just finished watching Foot Fist Way. It is a tender story of a strip mall tae kwon do instructor who might just be the most incompetent sabunim ever. It is a stupid-funny movie that manages to blend the tropes of martial arts films with the stereotypes of the puffed-up, egotistical yet so-not-self-aware instructors out there.

I even spit a mouthful of Gatorade back into the bottle while attempting to drink during a hardcore fight scene in which the protagonist, Instructor Simmons, attempts to defend his honor.

The Shinobi Defender, although taken aback by the lack of the mention of or cameo by one Sho Kosugi, nevertheless gives this film two double front kicks through a pair of two-inch cap blocks.

Quick Fact: Shinobi Defender once rid a small Midwestern town of its Yakuza influence. All while going out one evening for a slushie.

He used the extra-long straw as an improvised weapon.

Not just to wipe mouths--
Careful folding of napkin
Fifty ways to die.

Few know, but those who do realize that his quick wit and the wink of his eye are his deadliest weapons. Nevermind the shurikens and swords and 1911’s (yes, ninja can carry guns, too).

His true identity is immaterial when weighed against the mere fact that he exists. Oh, he’s no villain although he’s given to foilbles and has, on occasion, gotten his ass soundly kicked.

He has, admittedly, learned his skills through a variety of paths: a six-week self-defense course, mail-order videos for ninjutsu, and thousands of hours of Googling. He has read books by Stephen K. Hayes and watched every single Sho Kosugi film ever made.

Through two tours of the Orient, Shinobi Defender acquired meditation techniques that have allowed him to absorb vital martial knowledge and add to his prowess by not even taking or accepting a ninjutsu master.

Shinobi Defender is his own master, his own system.